An open letter to my mental illness,
For years I hid you away, not just from the world outside my head but from myself, I persuaded myself so much that you weren't real that I actually began believing it, until you were poisoning my mind so much that I burst. I felt so alone and so scared that I thought that suicide was the only way to make things better. When I finally opened up to people and spoke about it, it got better. I realized I wasn't the only person feeling this way.
You've made me the person I am. You've made parts of my life a misery. I've missed so many events, days out, opportunities because I didn't like the person I was. You've made the simplest of tasks become the biggest of challenges, panic attacks sure do like to pop up and surprise you. But, you've also made me much more compassionate and made me not want to ever not be kind to someone because we're all going through things. Even if they're not visible to outside world.
It feels like every year I start with saying that this is the year I'm going to be happy: genuinely, consistently happy. I'm really not fussed about having lots of money or anything like that, I just want to be happy and actually like myself. Which is why it makes it so crippling that I'm struggling so much. I guess you have to admit it to help yourself get better. It seems like my main emotion is sadness, when I want to be happy so badly.
I am getting better though. Slowly. I think I've come to terms that I will never truly get rid of you. You've been around for as long back as I can remember that it almost seems strange thinking of a life without you. I just hope one day I can get to a stage where we live in harmony. It makes me stronger knowing that there are millions of other people fighting to stay strong just like me, but it doesn't have to become who I am.
_________________________________________________________
If you're reading this and you ever feel like you're alone. Just remember that you've come this far, you're strong and you can beat this. You will be happy. With 1/3 people suspected to have/ have had a mental illness at some point, it's now more important than ever before to raise awareness of mental health. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there.
Make sure you're kind to everyone because you're not aware of what is happening in there head. Life is difficult so we do not need to make life any harder on each other. Stay strong people of the internet <3
Wednesday 20 May 2015
Wednesday 18 February 2015
' slut' shaming
Hello lovely people of the internet,
Today I am going to be ranting, whilst carefully trying to construct something that vaguely makes sense about a topic that has infuriated me for years and that topic is 'slut' shaming. I have always absolutely hated the word 'slut' or any similar words relating to that, it is filled with so much negativity and hate. Which nowadays quite a lot of terms being thrown around have in common. I think the majority of the world can agree that sex can be a great thing, if done appropriately and with a hundred percent consent. It is also completely fine to have different views on sex, but it is not okay to then slut shame if you think somebody is having too much sex or having sex with too many different partners.
Not everybody views sex the same. Sex can be closely related to feelings or love, but sex can also just be an amazing feeling and if both partners are consenting to has got absolutely nothing to do with anybody else. Maybe we should all stop spreading so much hate all the time and just accept the fact that a person can do whatever they want with their body. If it isn't hurting anybody then why would you feel the need to be so negative about them?
We live in a generation which is full of the most accepting, diverse population than ever before. This is such an amazing thing and we should celebrate it! We are living in a time where it is easier than ever before to be yourself. So, lets stop calling people sluts for having the confidence to be able to go and have sex. Just because you don't understand someone's decision yourself doesn't mean their decision isn't a perfectly fine one. Just like it is fine to not want to have sex it is also fine to have sex with as many people as you want.
Let's strive towards equality in every aspect of life, including what we do with our bodies. There needs to be an end to slut shaming. People need to appreciate that calling somebody a slut doesn't make you better or above them, it just makes you extremely uneducated and hateful.
Let's just stop spreading hate in general. Stay happy guys.
Sarah
xx
Today I am going to be ranting, whilst carefully trying to construct something that vaguely makes sense about a topic that has infuriated me for years and that topic is 'slut' shaming. I have always absolutely hated the word 'slut' or any similar words relating to that, it is filled with so much negativity and hate. Which nowadays quite a lot of terms being thrown around have in common. I think the majority of the world can agree that sex can be a great thing, if done appropriately and with a hundred percent consent. It is also completely fine to have different views on sex, but it is not okay to then slut shame if you think somebody is having too much sex or having sex with too many different partners.
Not everybody views sex the same. Sex can be closely related to feelings or love, but sex can also just be an amazing feeling and if both partners are consenting to has got absolutely nothing to do with anybody else. Maybe we should all stop spreading so much hate all the time and just accept the fact that a person can do whatever they want with their body. If it isn't hurting anybody then why would you feel the need to be so negative about them?
We live in a generation which is full of the most accepting, diverse population than ever before. This is such an amazing thing and we should celebrate it! We are living in a time where it is easier than ever before to be yourself. So, lets stop calling people sluts for having the confidence to be able to go and have sex. Just because you don't understand someone's decision yourself doesn't mean their decision isn't a perfectly fine one. Just like it is fine to not want to have sex it is also fine to have sex with as many people as you want.
Let's strive towards equality in every aspect of life, including what we do with our bodies. There needs to be an end to slut shaming. People need to appreciate that calling somebody a slut doesn't make you better or above them, it just makes you extremely uneducated and hateful.
Let's just stop spreading hate in general. Stay happy guys.
Sarah
xx
Thursday 4 December 2014
Sleep deprivation
Hello lovelies!
I turned 19 two days ago, yay! Despite now being officially one year older, wiser and possibly an inch taller ( probably not), I still suck at being able to sleep. For the past 4 years, I've had an awful relationship with sleep. I absolutely love sleep but for some reason my mind will not let me sleep. Honestly, for me sleep is like the unicorn - it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any ( well until 5 in the morning when I eventually just pass out in an angry, tear filled rage). I have horrible nightmares that relate to not so nice events that have happened in my past, so I think because I've been having these for so long my brain has figured out that I'm probably going to have them and just doesn't let me sleep. Which is a great idea, obviously.
I mean operating on two hours sleep whilst trying to attempt to be the worlds best student during a 9-5 day at university doesn't really work. But the really shitty thing about it is because I'm now constantly up at 4 am, I'm always over thinking things. I end up on this awful train of thoughts which essentially equates to me questioning everything that has happened in my life and ending up having shitty panic attacks alone in my bedroom. I'm not usually the type of person that likes to share emotions with other people, I can deal with things on my own. But, when I was at home I could always turn to my mum. She didn't even have to say anything but just knowing she was there made everything better. I had it particularly bad one summer, every night I was going downstairs at 4 in the morning crying. I didn't even know why I was crying - I was just overcome with sadness. Haha, I mean essentially it really is pathetic. I sound like every other teen on tumblr but ugh I just want some sleep. Even though everyone is ridiculously lovely at university, I honestly couldn't say a bad word about anyone, It's different. I feel really alone. When you're sat in one room staring at four walls you are pretty much forced to think about everything you dislike about yourself and since I've been at university it's happening an awful lot.
Sleep deprivation makes you feel even shittier about yourself as well. Right now, my skin is so bad and I already have low self esteem so it's making me ridiculously self conscious. It sounds stupid, but sometimes I don't even want to go out purely because I know how gross I look. I mean I'm thinking of just taking valium and knocking myself out, I wouldn't usually just turn to drugs but at this moment I really can't think of any other option. It's so frustrating, I know that I should really go and treat the underlying emotional problems than turn to a drug that will force me to sleep. But you know how it is, emotionally unstable isn't really a label you want to have attached to you.
I just feel trapped at the moment in the stupid bubble of exhaustion. Sigh. Damn you sleep.
But apart from that, I'm eating cake now so that's always good, right?
Anyway, I don't have much more to say. Buh byeeeeeeeeeeeee
I turned 19 two days ago, yay! Despite now being officially one year older, wiser and possibly an inch taller ( probably not), I still suck at being able to sleep. For the past 4 years, I've had an awful relationship with sleep. I absolutely love sleep but for some reason my mind will not let me sleep. Honestly, for me sleep is like the unicorn - it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any ( well until 5 in the morning when I eventually just pass out in an angry, tear filled rage). I have horrible nightmares that relate to not so nice events that have happened in my past, so I think because I've been having these for so long my brain has figured out that I'm probably going to have them and just doesn't let me sleep. Which is a great idea, obviously.
I mean operating on two hours sleep whilst trying to attempt to be the worlds best student during a 9-5 day at university doesn't really work. But the really shitty thing about it is because I'm now constantly up at 4 am, I'm always over thinking things. I end up on this awful train of thoughts which essentially equates to me questioning everything that has happened in my life and ending up having shitty panic attacks alone in my bedroom. I'm not usually the type of person that likes to share emotions with other people, I can deal with things on my own. But, when I was at home I could always turn to my mum. She didn't even have to say anything but just knowing she was there made everything better. I had it particularly bad one summer, every night I was going downstairs at 4 in the morning crying. I didn't even know why I was crying - I was just overcome with sadness. Haha, I mean essentially it really is pathetic. I sound like every other teen on tumblr but ugh I just want some sleep. Even though everyone is ridiculously lovely at university, I honestly couldn't say a bad word about anyone, It's different. I feel really alone. When you're sat in one room staring at four walls you are pretty much forced to think about everything you dislike about yourself and since I've been at university it's happening an awful lot.
Sleep deprivation makes you feel even shittier about yourself as well. Right now, my skin is so bad and I already have low self esteem so it's making me ridiculously self conscious. It sounds stupid, but sometimes I don't even want to go out purely because I know how gross I look. I mean I'm thinking of just taking valium and knocking myself out, I wouldn't usually just turn to drugs but at this moment I really can't think of any other option. It's so frustrating, I know that I should really go and treat the underlying emotional problems than turn to a drug that will force me to sleep. But you know how it is, emotionally unstable isn't really a label you want to have attached to you.
I just feel trapped at the moment in the stupid bubble of exhaustion. Sigh. Damn you sleep.
But apart from that, I'm eating cake now so that's always good, right?
Anyway, I don't have much more to say. Buh byeeeeeeeeeeeee
Wednesday 19 November 2014
3 reasons to smile!
Hello you lovely people,
So, quite a lot has changed since I last wrote on this blog. I'm now at university, yay! University is pretty much how you would envision it - 17p noodles, staying up until 4 am to complete assignments and drinking a lot of cheap alcohol that is doing god knows what to your body. It's great though and despite now having exactly 20 pound to last me until January I've met some of the loveliest of people and already couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
Recently I've been feeling quite low for numerous reasons, number one being my emotions are still quite rubbish and happiness is often quite difficult to achieve. However, instead of sitting around listening to smiths albums feeling sorry for myself, I've decided to write a post depicting 3 reasons to be happy! If anybody else is feeling sad hopefully this poorly constructed list of silly reasons to smile can cheer you up a bit.
Number 1 -
Christmas is only 35 days away!!!
35 days away you say?
Cheesy Christmas carols ( alliteration mad hey - my A level English teacher would be beaming), overly large boxes of chocolate, ridiculously charming decorations that may possibly even sing at you, I mean what more could you possibly want?!
Even if you're now a student and currently poor who cares when you can go home and get free, actually edible food.
I mean, it's nearly impossible not to smile at Christmas - it's so cheesy and adorable that just the thought of it makes me squeal. Yay! Also, January sales. Enough said.
Number 2 -
There is somebody out there that thinks you're awesome. Because, I mean how can they not? You are pretty awesome, you bloody lovely one you. Yes, I'm talking to you.
Seriously though, even if you don't think it at times and may think you're alone, you're just not looking close enough. You're loved. :)))))
Number 3 -
Turtles can breath out of there butts. Now, I don't know about you but that's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. Turtles are adorable anyway but butt breathing, that brightens my day.
I don't really know the purpose of this post, a stream of self-consciousness is usually all that comes out of my mouth rather than carefully constructed sentences. But hey ho, I hope you're happy wherever you are and if not turtle butt breathing ( how can that possibly not make you smile).
So, quite a lot has changed since I last wrote on this blog. I'm now at university, yay! University is pretty much how you would envision it - 17p noodles, staying up until 4 am to complete assignments and drinking a lot of cheap alcohol that is doing god knows what to your body. It's great though and despite now having exactly 20 pound to last me until January I've met some of the loveliest of people and already couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
Recently I've been feeling quite low for numerous reasons, number one being my emotions are still quite rubbish and happiness is often quite difficult to achieve. However, instead of sitting around listening to smiths albums feeling sorry for myself, I've decided to write a post depicting 3 reasons to be happy! If anybody else is feeling sad hopefully this poorly constructed list of silly reasons to smile can cheer you up a bit.
Number 1 -
Christmas is only 35 days away!!!
35 days away you say?
Cheesy Christmas carols ( alliteration mad hey - my A level English teacher would be beaming), overly large boxes of chocolate, ridiculously charming decorations that may possibly even sing at you, I mean what more could you possibly want?!
Even if you're now a student and currently poor who cares when you can go home and get free, actually edible food.
I mean, it's nearly impossible not to smile at Christmas - it's so cheesy and adorable that just the thought of it makes me squeal. Yay! Also, January sales. Enough said.
Number 2 -
There is somebody out there that thinks you're awesome. Because, I mean how can they not? You are pretty awesome, you bloody lovely one you. Yes, I'm talking to you.
Seriously though, even if you don't think it at times and may think you're alone, you're just not looking close enough. You're loved. :)))))
Number 3 -
Turtles can breath out of there butts. Now, I don't know about you but that's the most adorable thing I've ever heard. Turtles are adorable anyway but butt breathing, that brightens my day.
I don't really know the purpose of this post, a stream of self-consciousness is usually all that comes out of my mouth rather than carefully constructed sentences. But hey ho, I hope you're happy wherever you are and if not turtle butt breathing ( how can that possibly not make you smile).
Sunday 20 July 2014
Insecurities
Hello lovelies!
I really do suck at keeping up with this whole blogging thing don't I? It's just ridiculously difficult trying to come up with anything remotely interesting to say. But hey ho, here I am again declaring my ridiculous thoughts to the internet. Today I wanted to talk about insecurities and self image, I know that a million other female bloggers have covered this topic a million and one times but I wanted to put my own embarrassing stamp on it. Being insecure can hugely affect your life, I personally know how it feels and I know lots of other people that can't stand themselves when they're such lovely, beautiful people, inside and out so I guess I just wanted to write about it for a moment. Maybe look back on it a few years down the line when I hopefully don't have such a problem with myself and see how I've grown or some other emotional, sentimental idea along those lines.
When I was younger all I cared about what was on the inside. I announce this ideal all the time when stressing how looks don't matter to other people, however It's undoubtedly problematic when trying to adapt that to my own every day life. I was painfully shy when I was younger but the only thing I ever cared about trying to change was the things I knew. I wanted to learn and attain as much information as possible, dreamt about sharing the most complex of conversations with the greatest of literary geniuses. The way I looked never really changed what I perceived to be the ability to do that. But, there is just an age that you hit when you start to view everything differently. It must be a mixture of the sudden reality that people will definitely judge you on face value, those moments at school where everything about you is suddenly in the firing line taking a brutal attack or the fact that we are bombarded by the world of advertising that we should look a certain way or nobody is going to pay any attention to us. But whatever it is, it really does change how you look at yourself.
The first thing I was self conscious about was my ears. It sounds such a silly thing for an 11 year old to be self conscious out but I really did hate them. I had really long blonde thin hair and my ears would stick out from under my hair. I tried my best to hide them but I hated everything about the way it looked. I remember it being a school picture day and me spending so much time trying any way possible to try and hide them. I really wasn't a girly girl either, but it was just this one thing that really bugged me. My ears aren't huge or irregular, I just thought they were because they stuck out and I was so paranoid somebody was going to call me something silly like an elf. Anyway, It must have done something to me because I still hate my ears and literally barely ever wear my hair up apart from in work and even then I still have some of the habits I did when I was 11.
I like to think I'm a nice person. In fact, it's one of the things that I try to insure that I am. I try to go through life making sure that everyone I know or have ever met goes away thinking I'm a nice, kind person. I know that the things that I do purely based on be being self conscious are stupid and that I should be happy enough knowing that I'm a nice person. However, it really doesn't work like that. For example, logically I know I'm not fat. I'm under weight, I weigh 7 stone something so realistically I'm not fat. But their is a genuine hatred that lies inside myself for the way my body looks. Throughout the years, I've always been telling myself that if I lose weight and get to a certain point where I look a certain way I will be happy but honestly I believe that whatever weight I am I'm still going to dislike myself.
I find myself at points throughout the week, making sure that I'm only eating a certain amount. The number of calories I'm setting is clearly under eating, I'm not stupid I know that that is completely illogical but I can't help myself. Some days, I will overeat, not just to what I have set but clearly over eat what you're supposed to. And for a few moments, a few days I don't care, there is a part of me that is just telling me to love myself, to eat whatever I want. This never lasts long though because then I'm back to hating myself and desperately trying to not eat a lot. I like to think there will be a point in my life where I just learn to accept myself because at this moment there is so many stupid things I do to try and hide parts of me. The parts of me I hate the most.
I know it is difficult to accept ourselves, we're brought up in a society where we are desperately trying to change ourselves. Just realize that it isn't what is most important. The world is also an amazing place to be. There are so many things we can see and achieve. Stay strong lovelies. xxx
I really do suck at keeping up with this whole blogging thing don't I? It's just ridiculously difficult trying to come up with anything remotely interesting to say. But hey ho, here I am again declaring my ridiculous thoughts to the internet. Today I wanted to talk about insecurities and self image, I know that a million other female bloggers have covered this topic a million and one times but I wanted to put my own embarrassing stamp on it. Being insecure can hugely affect your life, I personally know how it feels and I know lots of other people that can't stand themselves when they're such lovely, beautiful people, inside and out so I guess I just wanted to write about it for a moment. Maybe look back on it a few years down the line when I hopefully don't have such a problem with myself and see how I've grown or some other emotional, sentimental idea along those lines.
When I was younger all I cared about what was on the inside. I announce this ideal all the time when stressing how looks don't matter to other people, however It's undoubtedly problematic when trying to adapt that to my own every day life. I was painfully shy when I was younger but the only thing I ever cared about trying to change was the things I knew. I wanted to learn and attain as much information as possible, dreamt about sharing the most complex of conversations with the greatest of literary geniuses. The way I looked never really changed what I perceived to be the ability to do that. But, there is just an age that you hit when you start to view everything differently. It must be a mixture of the sudden reality that people will definitely judge you on face value, those moments at school where everything about you is suddenly in the firing line taking a brutal attack or the fact that we are bombarded by the world of advertising that we should look a certain way or nobody is going to pay any attention to us. But whatever it is, it really does change how you look at yourself.
The first thing I was self conscious about was my ears. It sounds such a silly thing for an 11 year old to be self conscious out but I really did hate them. I had really long blonde thin hair and my ears would stick out from under my hair. I tried my best to hide them but I hated everything about the way it looked. I remember it being a school picture day and me spending so much time trying any way possible to try and hide them. I really wasn't a girly girl either, but it was just this one thing that really bugged me. My ears aren't huge or irregular, I just thought they were because they stuck out and I was so paranoid somebody was going to call me something silly like an elf. Anyway, It must have done something to me because I still hate my ears and literally barely ever wear my hair up apart from in work and even then I still have some of the habits I did when I was 11.
I like to think I'm a nice person. In fact, it's one of the things that I try to insure that I am. I try to go through life making sure that everyone I know or have ever met goes away thinking I'm a nice, kind person. I know that the things that I do purely based on be being self conscious are stupid and that I should be happy enough knowing that I'm a nice person. However, it really doesn't work like that. For example, logically I know I'm not fat. I'm under weight, I weigh 7 stone something so realistically I'm not fat. But their is a genuine hatred that lies inside myself for the way my body looks. Throughout the years, I've always been telling myself that if I lose weight and get to a certain point where I look a certain way I will be happy but honestly I believe that whatever weight I am I'm still going to dislike myself.
I find myself at points throughout the week, making sure that I'm only eating a certain amount. The number of calories I'm setting is clearly under eating, I'm not stupid I know that that is completely illogical but I can't help myself. Some days, I will overeat, not just to what I have set but clearly over eat what you're supposed to. And for a few moments, a few days I don't care, there is a part of me that is just telling me to love myself, to eat whatever I want. This never lasts long though because then I'm back to hating myself and desperately trying to not eat a lot. I like to think there will be a point in my life where I just learn to accept myself because at this moment there is so many stupid things I do to try and hide parts of me. The parts of me I hate the most.
I know it is difficult to accept ourselves, we're brought up in a society where we are desperately trying to change ourselves. Just realize that it isn't what is most important. The world is also an amazing place to be. There are so many things we can see and achieve. Stay strong lovelies. xxx
Saturday 10 May 2014
How possible is it to maintain relationships?
I currently feel as though I'm about to transaction into the next stage of my life and It has got me thinking a lot about relationships in general. It seems as though whenever we take a big step into something new a lot of things change in our life, one of them being the relationships we have. We have all been that person declaring that you're going to stay closer than ever to your best friend for the rest of your life, despite going to completely different colleges or something similar involving a lot of smushy ideals. But just how probable is this?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely filled with cynicism, I would love to stay close to everyone I have in my life at this moment because they're absolutely perfect for the person I am now. Unfortunately, that isn't how it has ever worked out. I didn't stay close or even ever speak to anyone I was close to in primary school - I tried to, I really did but I grew older, learned more stuff and met other people that I felt were just like me. When I left high school, the same thing happened, I've stayed friends with certain people but even them friendships took the hit quite quickly. We tried our best to hang out regularly but I guess we both went on and had much different lifes. I'm sure that a lot of people stay close throughout the years, but people change and that's just a natural part of life and it becomes much harder to keep relationships with the people you thought you would spend most of your life with.
On paper, it's quite a sad sentiment but I don't really look at it that way. The people that are no longer in my life have made me the person I am today. Whether, bad breakups or sentimental goodbyes the experiences I shared, the knowledge I gained just made me know myself much better. As we grow up, we're constantly changing, every day we're realizing the person that we are. It's not sad that them people are no longer there because they were a fundamental part of your life and now a part of who you are.
I'm going off to university soon and I'm going to be living in a completely different place surrounded by completely different people and at the moment that really does scare the hell out of me. I adore the people in my life right now and I couldn't imagine them not being there. The decisions that I will make will make me the person I am and will depict the life that I lead( as cheesy as that is!!). I can't imagine not having my boyfriend around. He makes me life so much better that I really can't imagine what not having him around will be like. I don't think none of us really know what's going to happen. I'm not a naïve person and I know that it will probably result in us splitting up because the eventuality of us staying together, however sad a prospect that is, isn't very likely. But I guess it gives me comfort knowing that, a year ago I wasn't the person I am today and I feel like I'm a stronger, more caring person now and a lot of that happened through change that I didn't necessarily want to happen.
But anyway,
that's enough silly rants for now. Thanks for reading, if you did manage to get through that junk!!
x
Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely filled with cynicism, I would love to stay close to everyone I have in my life at this moment because they're absolutely perfect for the person I am now. Unfortunately, that isn't how it has ever worked out. I didn't stay close or even ever speak to anyone I was close to in primary school - I tried to, I really did but I grew older, learned more stuff and met other people that I felt were just like me. When I left high school, the same thing happened, I've stayed friends with certain people but even them friendships took the hit quite quickly. We tried our best to hang out regularly but I guess we both went on and had much different lifes. I'm sure that a lot of people stay close throughout the years, but people change and that's just a natural part of life and it becomes much harder to keep relationships with the people you thought you would spend most of your life with.
On paper, it's quite a sad sentiment but I don't really look at it that way. The people that are no longer in my life have made me the person I am today. Whether, bad breakups or sentimental goodbyes the experiences I shared, the knowledge I gained just made me know myself much better. As we grow up, we're constantly changing, every day we're realizing the person that we are. It's not sad that them people are no longer there because they were a fundamental part of your life and now a part of who you are.
I'm going off to university soon and I'm going to be living in a completely different place surrounded by completely different people and at the moment that really does scare the hell out of me. I adore the people in my life right now and I couldn't imagine them not being there. The decisions that I will make will make me the person I am and will depict the life that I lead( as cheesy as that is!!). I can't imagine not having my boyfriend around. He makes me life so much better that I really can't imagine what not having him around will be like. I don't think none of us really know what's going to happen. I'm not a naïve person and I know that it will probably result in us splitting up because the eventuality of us staying together, however sad a prospect that is, isn't very likely. But I guess it gives me comfort knowing that, a year ago I wasn't the person I am today and I feel like I'm a stronger, more caring person now and a lot of that happened through change that I didn't necessarily want to happen.
But anyway,
that's enough silly rants for now. Thanks for reading, if you did manage to get through that junk!!
x
Monday 21 April 2014
Hospitals, health and poorly tummys
Well hello again there.
I hope everyone had a lovely Easter and stuffed there faces full of every different type of chocolate imaginable and then, if you're anything like me looked in the mirror and panicked as you could pretty much see the bingo wings forming. I didn't have work, first Sunday ever I've not worked( yay!) so my day pretty much consisted of playing Borderlands 2 all day and gaining great satisfaction from eating princess themed Kinder Eggs, however I must declare that as loyal consumer of Kinder products I was not happy to receive the same toy twice in one box, come on Kinder get it together. Any who, I hope you all had a great Easter, but wait actually this is very irrelevant to the point of this blog post but I'm not religious in any way shape or form so, I shouldn't really be celebrating Easter should I? Let's just say I hope you all had a lovely day of chocolate eating and getting super fat.
As the whole point of me making this blog was for me to look back upon in years to come and laugh at how deluded and stupid I was I have decided I will make a blog post about a health problem I have been having and my horrible experience at having an MRI the other day - disclaimer if you don't like gross stories then do click of this page now. Just kidding it isn't that gross, well it Is but I'm pretty sure you can handle it, you brave one you. So, for the past year and a half, probably more like two now, I have been having tummy problems. Basically, my tummy is in pain constantly; not just the ' ahh tummy ache' kind of pain but the crying yourself to sleep at 4 in the morning because the pain is so unbearable pain. Along with this I'm always tired, or extreme fatigue as the doctor refers to it as. I've also had a lot of other sucky symptoms too such as feeling nauseas and fainting a lot. So I had been the doctors a lot because of this and been for a lot of different tests involving a lot of my blood being taken - honestly I swear in the past year they've taken like ten pints of my blood!!
So, they've come to the conclusion that is probably Crohn's disease which is a very sucky disease which basically is -
Crohn’s disease is a chronic (long-term) condition that causes inflammation of the lining of the digestive system.
My auntie and my cousin both have this disease and It could mean that I will need surgery, may need to be put on all juice diets and lots of pills/steroids as the disease can get worse and inflame and will mean me possibly having to go into hospital for long periods of time.
But anyway less of the doom and gloom the whole point of this story was to tell you my horrible MRI experience I had the other day. So, I had an appointment for an MRI for my tummy and because it's for my tummy I had to drink like a litre and a half of this yucky metal tasting drink and I was gagging at every mouthful because I've never tasted something so horrific in my life. Anyway, then I had to wait 45 minutes so this liquid could move its way around my stomach. But basically what this liquid was is a laxative, a very strong, fast moving laxative but I wasn't aloud to go to the toilet and it bloody hurt my stomach too.
So, I'm sat there with my lovely boyfriend reading children's books as there was nothing else remotely entertaining in the room apart from this awesome woman who was also having the same thing done but had ate a couple of hours before when you're not supposed to eat for 8 hours before ha. But anyway, then they had to shove this huuuuuuge set of needles and crap in my arm which was the most painful thing because not only did it hurt going in but It continued to sting the entire time I was in the MRI thingy maboby. Then they also but this weird bubbly liquid through my body which was painful and I could feel every inch of it moving around my skin. Remember that scene in the mummy where that bug is moving round the guys skin, I don't want to exaggerate but you understand what I'm getting at. I was in the MRI scanner for half an hour dying for a toilet and in pain the entire time.
Then when I did get out I was passing out and the guy was really insensitive and just pulled all this crap out my arm, in what I thought was the most painful way possible and I was crying like a baby. Theeen he sorted out my arm and I went to get changed but my arm was bleeding lots and there was like a huge puddle of blood under my feet lmfao oh my. I went back up to him and he was really moody about it and was like huffing and puffing whilst I was dying on this chair and then basically I passed out - I literally couldn't see or hear anything but muffling. I thought I was dying. Then he sent me on my way the piece of poop.
Anyway, it wasn't a particularly joyous occasion - If you have had any particularly interesting hospital/ doctor experiences you wish to share please do!
Thanks for reading this pile of rubbish. xxxx
I hope everyone had a lovely Easter and stuffed there faces full of every different type of chocolate imaginable and then, if you're anything like me looked in the mirror and panicked as you could pretty much see the bingo wings forming. I didn't have work, first Sunday ever I've not worked( yay!) so my day pretty much consisted of playing Borderlands 2 all day and gaining great satisfaction from eating princess themed Kinder Eggs, however I must declare that as loyal consumer of Kinder products I was not happy to receive the same toy twice in one box, come on Kinder get it together. Any who, I hope you all had a great Easter, but wait actually this is very irrelevant to the point of this blog post but I'm not religious in any way shape or form so, I shouldn't really be celebrating Easter should I? Let's just say I hope you all had a lovely day of chocolate eating and getting super fat.
As the whole point of me making this blog was for me to look back upon in years to come and laugh at how deluded and stupid I was I have decided I will make a blog post about a health problem I have been having and my horrible experience at having an MRI the other day - disclaimer if you don't like gross stories then do click of this page now. Just kidding it isn't that gross, well it Is but I'm pretty sure you can handle it, you brave one you. So, for the past year and a half, probably more like two now, I have been having tummy problems. Basically, my tummy is in pain constantly; not just the ' ahh tummy ache' kind of pain but the crying yourself to sleep at 4 in the morning because the pain is so unbearable pain. Along with this I'm always tired, or extreme fatigue as the doctor refers to it as. I've also had a lot of other sucky symptoms too such as feeling nauseas and fainting a lot. So I had been the doctors a lot because of this and been for a lot of different tests involving a lot of my blood being taken - honestly I swear in the past year they've taken like ten pints of my blood!!
So, they've come to the conclusion that is probably Crohn's disease which is a very sucky disease which basically is -
Crohn’s disease is a chronic (long-term) condition that causes inflammation of the lining of the digestive system.
My auntie and my cousin both have this disease and It could mean that I will need surgery, may need to be put on all juice diets and lots of pills/steroids as the disease can get worse and inflame and will mean me possibly having to go into hospital for long periods of time.
But anyway less of the doom and gloom the whole point of this story was to tell you my horrible MRI experience I had the other day. So, I had an appointment for an MRI for my tummy and because it's for my tummy I had to drink like a litre and a half of this yucky metal tasting drink and I was gagging at every mouthful because I've never tasted something so horrific in my life. Anyway, then I had to wait 45 minutes so this liquid could move its way around my stomach. But basically what this liquid was is a laxative, a very strong, fast moving laxative but I wasn't aloud to go to the toilet and it bloody hurt my stomach too.
So, I'm sat there with my lovely boyfriend reading children's books as there was nothing else remotely entertaining in the room apart from this awesome woman who was also having the same thing done but had ate a couple of hours before when you're not supposed to eat for 8 hours before ha. But anyway, then they had to shove this huuuuuuge set of needles and crap in my arm which was the most painful thing because not only did it hurt going in but It continued to sting the entire time I was in the MRI thingy maboby. Then they also but this weird bubbly liquid through my body which was painful and I could feel every inch of it moving around my skin. Remember that scene in the mummy where that bug is moving round the guys skin, I don't want to exaggerate but you understand what I'm getting at. I was in the MRI scanner for half an hour dying for a toilet and in pain the entire time.
Then when I did get out I was passing out and the guy was really insensitive and just pulled all this crap out my arm, in what I thought was the most painful way possible and I was crying like a baby. Theeen he sorted out my arm and I went to get changed but my arm was bleeding lots and there was like a huge puddle of blood under my feet lmfao oh my. I went back up to him and he was really moody about it and was like huffing and puffing whilst I was dying on this chair and then basically I passed out - I literally couldn't see or hear anything but muffling. I thought I was dying. Then he sent me on my way the piece of poop.
Anyway, it wasn't a particularly joyous occasion - If you have had any particularly interesting hospital/ doctor experiences you wish to share please do!
Thanks for reading this pile of rubbish. xxxx
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