Insecurities

Hello lovelies!

I really do suck at keeping up with this whole blogging thing don't I? It's just ridiculously difficult trying to come up with anything remotely interesting to say. But hey ho, here I am again declaring my ridiculous thoughts to the internet. Today I wanted to talk about insecurities and self image, I know that a million other female bloggers have covered this topic a million and one times but I wanted to put my own embarrassing stamp on it. Being insecure can hugely affect your life, I personally know how it feels and I know lots of other people that can't stand themselves when they're such lovely, beautiful people, inside and out so I guess I just wanted to write about it for a moment. Maybe look back on it a few years down the line when I hopefully don't have such a problem with myself and see how I've grown or some other emotional, sentimental idea along those lines.

When I was younger all I cared about what was on the inside. I announce this ideal all the time when stressing how looks don't matter to other people, however It's undoubtedly problematic when trying to adapt that to my own every day life. I was painfully shy when I was younger but the only thing I ever cared about trying to change was the things I knew. I wanted to learn and attain as much information as possible, dreamt about sharing the most complex of conversations with the greatest of literary geniuses. The way I looked never really changed what I perceived to be the ability to do that. But, there is just an age that you hit when you start to view everything differently. It must be a mixture of the sudden reality that people will definitely judge you on face value, those moments at school where everything about you is suddenly in the firing line taking a brutal attack or the fact that we are bombarded by the world of advertising that we should look a certain way or nobody is going to pay any attention to us. But whatever it is, it really does change how you look at yourself.

The first thing I was self conscious about was my ears. It sounds such a silly thing for an 11 year old to be self conscious out but I really did hate them. I had really long blonde thin hair and my ears would stick out from under my hair. I tried my best to hide them but I hated everything about the way it looked. I remember it being a school picture day and me spending so much time trying any way possible to try and hide them. I really wasn't a girly girl either, but it was just this one thing that really bugged me. My ears aren't huge or irregular, I just thought they were because they stuck out and I was so paranoid somebody was going to call me something silly like an elf. Anyway, It must have done something to me because I still hate my ears and literally barely ever wear my hair up apart from in work and even then I still have some of the habits I did when I was 11.

I like to think I'm a nice person. In fact, it's one of the things that I try to insure that I am. I try to go through life making sure that everyone I know or have ever met goes away thinking I'm a nice, kind person. I know that the things that I do purely based on be being self conscious are stupid and that I should be happy enough knowing that I'm a nice person. However, it really doesn't work like that.  For example, logically I know I'm not fat. I'm under weight, I weigh 7 stone something so realistically I'm not fat. But their is a genuine hatred that lies inside myself for the way my body looks. Throughout the years, I've always been telling myself that if I lose weight and get to a certain point where I look a certain way I will be happy but honestly I believe that whatever weight I am I'm still going to dislike myself.

I find myself at points throughout the week, making sure that I'm only eating a certain amount. The number of calories I'm setting is clearly under eating, I'm not stupid I know that that is completely illogical but I can't help myself. Some days, I will overeat, not just to what I have set but clearly over eat what you're supposed to. And for a few moments, a few days I don't care, there is a part of me that is just telling me to love myself, to eat whatever I want. This never lasts long though because then I'm back to hating myself and desperately trying to not eat a lot. I like to think there will be a point in my life where I just learn to accept myself because at this moment there is so many stupid things I do to try and hide parts of me. The parts of me I hate the most. 

I know it is difficult to accept ourselves, we're brought up in a society where we are desperately trying to change ourselves. Just realize that it isn't what is most important. The world is also an amazing place to be. There are so many things we can see and achieve. Stay strong lovelies. xxx