Sleep deprivation

Hello lovelies!

I turned 19 two days ago, yay! Despite now being officially one year older, wiser and possibly an inch taller ( probably not), I still suck at being able to sleep. For the past 4 years, I've had an awful relationship with sleep. I absolutely love sleep but for some reason my mind will not let me sleep. Honestly, for me sleep is like the unicorn - it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any ( well until 5 in the morning when I eventually just pass out in an angry, tear filled rage). I have horrible nightmares that relate to not so nice events that have happened in my past, so I think because I've been having these for so long my brain has figured out that I'm probably going to have them and just doesn't let me sleep. Which is a great idea, obviously.

I mean operating on two hours sleep whilst trying to attempt to be the worlds best student during a 9-5 day at university doesn't really work. But the really shitty thing about it is because I'm now constantly up at 4 am, I'm always over thinking things. I end up on this awful train of thoughts which essentially equates to me questioning everything that has happened in my life and ending up having shitty panic attacks alone in my bedroom. I'm not usually the type of person that likes to share emotions with other people, I can deal with things on my own. But, when I was at home I could always turn to my mum. She didn't even have to say anything but just knowing she was there made everything better. I had it particularly bad one summer, every night I was going downstairs at 4 in the morning crying. I didn't even know why I was crying - I was just overcome with sadness. Haha, I mean essentially it really is pathetic. I sound like every other teen on tumblr but ugh I just want some sleep. Even though everyone is ridiculously lovely at university, I honestly couldn't say a bad word about anyone, It's different. I feel really alone. When you're sat in one room staring at four walls you are pretty much forced to think about everything you dislike about yourself and since I've been at university it's happening an awful lot.

Sleep deprivation makes you feel even shittier about yourself as well. Right now, my skin is so bad and I already have low self esteem so it's making me ridiculously self conscious. It sounds stupid, but sometimes I don't even want to go out purely because I know how gross I look. I mean I'm thinking of just taking valium and knocking myself out, I wouldn't usually just turn to drugs but at this moment I really can't think of any other option. It's so frustrating, I know that I should really go and treat the underlying emotional problems than turn to a drug that will force me to sleep. But you know how it is, emotionally unstable isn't really a label you want to have attached to you.

I just feel trapped at the moment in the stupid bubble of exhaustion. Sigh. Damn you sleep.

But apart from that, I'm eating cake now so that's always good, right?

Anyway, I don't have much more to say. Buh byeeeeeeeeeeeee