Insecurities

Hello lovelies!

I really do suck at keeping up with this whole blogging thing don't I? It's just ridiculously difficult trying to come up with anything remotely interesting to say. But hey ho, here I am again declaring my ridiculous thoughts to the internet. Today I wanted to talk about insecurities and self image, I know that a million other female bloggers have covered this topic a million and one times but I wanted to put my own embarrassing stamp on it. Being insecure can hugely affect your life, I personally know how it feels and I know lots of other people that can't stand themselves when they're such lovely, beautiful people, inside and out so I guess I just wanted to write about it for a moment. Maybe look back on it a few years down the line when I hopefully don't have such a problem with myself and see how I've grown or some other emotional, sentimental idea along those lines.

When I was younger all I cared about what was on the inside. I announce this ideal all the time when stressing how looks don't matter to other people, however It's undoubtedly problematic when trying to adapt that to my own every day life. I was painfully shy when I was younger but the only thing I ever cared about trying to change was the things I knew. I wanted to learn and attain as much information as possible, dreamt about sharing the most complex of conversations with the greatest of literary geniuses. The way I looked never really changed what I perceived to be the ability to do that. But, there is just an age that you hit when you start to view everything differently. It must be a mixture of the sudden reality that people will definitely judge you on face value, those moments at school where everything about you is suddenly in the firing line taking a brutal attack or the fact that we are bombarded by the world of advertising that we should look a certain way or nobody is going to pay any attention to us. But whatever it is, it really does change how you look at yourself.

The first thing I was self conscious about was my ears. It sounds such a silly thing for an 11 year old to be self conscious out but I really did hate them. I had really long blonde thin hair and my ears would stick out from under my hair. I tried my best to hide them but I hated everything about the way it looked. I remember it being a school picture day and me spending so much time trying any way possible to try and hide them. I really wasn't a girly girl either, but it was just this one thing that really bugged me. My ears aren't huge or irregular, I just thought they were because they stuck out and I was so paranoid somebody was going to call me something silly like an elf. Anyway, It must have done something to me because I still hate my ears and literally barely ever wear my hair up apart from in work and even then I still have some of the habits I did when I was 11.

I like to think I'm a nice person. In fact, it's one of the things that I try to insure that I am. I try to go through life making sure that everyone I know or have ever met goes away thinking I'm a nice, kind person. I know that the things that I do purely based on be being self conscious are stupid and that I should be happy enough knowing that I'm a nice person. However, it really doesn't work like that.  For example, logically I know I'm not fat. I'm under weight, I weigh 7 stone something so realistically I'm not fat. But their is a genuine hatred that lies inside myself for the way my body looks. Throughout the years, I've always been telling myself that if I lose weight and get to a certain point where I look a certain way I will be happy but honestly I believe that whatever weight I am I'm still going to dislike myself.

I find myself at points throughout the week, making sure that I'm only eating a certain amount. The number of calories I'm setting is clearly under eating, I'm not stupid I know that that is completely illogical but I can't help myself. Some days, I will overeat, not just to what I have set but clearly over eat what you're supposed to. And for a few moments, a few days I don't care, there is a part of me that is just telling me to love myself, to eat whatever I want. This never lasts long though because then I'm back to hating myself and desperately trying to not eat a lot. I like to think there will be a point in my life where I just learn to accept myself because at this moment there is so many stupid things I do to try and hide parts of me. The parts of me I hate the most. 

I know it is difficult to accept ourselves, we're brought up in a society where we are desperately trying to change ourselves. Just realize that it isn't what is most important. The world is also an amazing place to be. There are so many things we can see and achieve. Stay strong lovelies. xxx 

How possible is it to maintain relationships?

I currently feel as though I'm about to transaction into the next stage of my life and It has got me thinking a lot about relationships in general. It seems as though whenever we take a big step into something new a lot of things change in our life, one of them being the relationships we have. We have all been that person declaring that you're going to stay closer than ever to your best friend for the rest of your life, despite going to completely different colleges or something similar involving a lot of smushy ideals. But just how probable is this?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not completely filled with cynicism, I would love to stay close to everyone I have in my life at this moment because they're absolutely perfect for the person I am now. Unfortunately, that isn't how it has ever worked out. I didn't stay close or even ever speak to anyone I was close to in primary school - I tried to, I really did but I grew older, learned more stuff and met other people that I felt were just like me. When I left high school, the same thing happened, I've stayed  friends with certain people but even them friendships took the hit quite quickly. We tried our best to hang out regularly but I guess we both went on and had much different lifes. I'm sure that a lot of people stay close throughout the years, but people change and that's just a natural part of life and it becomes much harder to keep relationships with the people you thought you  would spend most of your life with.

On paper, it's quite a sad sentiment but I don't really look at it that way. The people that are no longer in my life have made me the person I am today. Whether, bad breakups or sentimental goodbyes the experiences I shared, the knowledge I gained just made me know myself much better. As we grow up, we're constantly changing, every day we're realizing the person that we are. It's not sad that them people are no longer there because they were a fundamental part of your life and now a part of who you are.

I'm going off to university soon and I'm going to be living in a completely different place surrounded by completely different people and at the moment that really does scare the hell out of me. I adore the people in my life right now and I couldn't imagine them not being there. The decisions that I will make will make me the person I am and will depict the life that I lead( as cheesy as that is!!). I can't imagine not having my boyfriend around. He makes me life so much better that I really can't imagine what not having him around will be like. I don't think none of us really know what's going to happen. I'm not a naïve person and I know that it will probably result in us splitting up because the eventuality of us staying together, however sad a prospect that is, isn't very likely. But I guess it gives me comfort knowing that, a year ago I wasn't the person I am today and I feel like I'm a stronger, more caring person now and a lot of that happened through change that I didn't necessarily want to happen.

But anyway,

that's enough silly rants for now. Thanks for reading, if you did manage to get through that junk!!

x

Hospitals, health and poorly tummys

Well hello again there.

I hope everyone had a lovely Easter and stuffed there faces full of every different type of chocolate imaginable and then, if you're anything like me looked in the mirror and panicked as you could pretty much see the bingo wings forming. I didn't have work, first Sunday ever I've not worked( yay!) so my day pretty much consisted of playing Borderlands 2 all day and gaining great satisfaction from eating princess themed Kinder Eggs, however I must declare that as loyal consumer of Kinder products I was not happy to receive the same toy twice in one box, come on Kinder get it together. Any who, I hope you all had a great Easter, but wait actually this is very irrelevant to the point of this blog post but I'm not religious in any way shape or form so, I shouldn't really be celebrating Easter should I? Let's just say I hope you all had a lovely day of chocolate eating and getting super fat.

As the whole point of me making this blog was for me to look back upon in years to come and laugh at how deluded and stupid I was I have decided I will make a blog post about a health problem I have been having and my horrible experience at having an MRI the other day - disclaimer if you don't like gross stories then do click of this page now. Just kidding it isn't that gross, well it Is but I'm pretty sure you can handle it, you brave one you. So, for the past year and a half, probably more like two now, I have been having tummy problems. Basically, my tummy is in pain constantly; not just the ' ahh tummy ache' kind of pain but the crying yourself to sleep at 4 in the morning because the pain is so unbearable pain. Along with this I'm always tired, or extreme fatigue as the doctor refers to it as. I've also had a lot of other sucky symptoms too such as feeling nauseas and fainting a lot. So I had been the doctors a lot because of this and been for a lot of different tests involving a lot of my blood being taken - honestly I swear in the past year they've taken like ten pints of my blood!!

So, they've come to the conclusion that is probably Crohn's disease which is a very sucky disease which basically is -
Crohn’s disease is a chronic (long-term) condition that causes inflammation of the lining of the digestive system.

My auntie and my cousin both have this disease and It could mean that I will need surgery, may need to be put on all juice diets and lots of pills/steroids as the disease can get worse and inflame and will mean me possibly having to go into hospital for long periods of time.

But anyway less of the doom and gloom the whole point of this story was to tell you my horrible MRI experience I had the other day. So, I had an appointment for an MRI for my tummy and because it's for my tummy I had to drink like a litre and a half of this yucky metal tasting drink and I was gagging at every mouthful because I've never tasted something so horrific in my life. Anyway, then I had to wait 45 minutes so this liquid could move its way around my stomach. But basically what this liquid was is a laxative, a very strong, fast moving laxative but I wasn't aloud to go to the toilet and it bloody hurt my stomach too.

So, I'm sat there with my lovely boyfriend reading children's books as there was nothing else remotely entertaining in the room apart from this awesome woman who was also having the same thing done but had ate a couple of hours before when you're not supposed to eat for 8 hours before ha. But anyway, then they had to shove this huuuuuuge set of needles and crap in my arm which was the most painful thing because not only did it hurt going in but It continued to sting the entire time I was in the MRI thingy maboby. Then they also but this weird bubbly liquid through my body which was painful and I could feel every inch of it moving around my skin. Remember that scene in the mummy where that bug is moving round the guys skin, I don't want to exaggerate but you understand what I'm getting at. I was in the MRI scanner for half an hour dying for a toilet and in pain the entire time.

Then when I did get out I was passing out and the guy was really insensitive and just pulled all this crap out my arm, in what I thought was the most painful way possible and I was crying like a baby.  Theeen he sorted out my arm and I went to get changed but my arm was bleeding lots and there was like a huge puddle of blood under my feet lmfao oh my. I went back up to him and he was really moody about it and was like huffing and puffing whilst I was dying on this chair and then basically I passed out - I literally couldn't see or hear anything but muffling. I thought I was dying. Then he sent me on my way the piece of poop.

Anyway, it wasn't a particularly joyous occasion - If you have had any particularly interesting hospital/ doctor experiences you wish to share please do!

Thanks for reading this pile of rubbish. xxxx

sunshine, feelings and other mushy stuff

Well hello there you lovely person, you!

I haven't wrote anything on this blog in what feels like forever. Excuse me, that was a particularly teenage sentence wasn't it with the use of ' like', us young-uns do have a habit of placing like in front of everything and using hyperbole - it's not actually been forever has it. Anyway, I'm ranting and analyzing myself, that's what revising for an A level English literature and language exam can do to you. So, I haven't wrote on here for a long time because well, I didn't feel like I had anything interesting to say. I didn't feel like ' hey, just ate a kinder egg and drank some fruit juice today' would make an interesting read. Also, full frontal exposition here for ya but this isn't going to be interesting either it's just going to lots of ranty rants from an 18 year old ( yes, I know the title of this blog states 17 but that's how long its been, yay legal not that that holds any weight as I'm boring and don't drink or do exciting cool colourful drugs, but anyway I'm ranting). ANYWAYYYY - I will try not to drive down a long, windy road with my thoughts because I'm annoying myself just listening to my head voice.

So, In a couple of weeks I will start my FINAL A level exams before I hopefully go of to that forbidden next stage of my life called university. I'm currently very stressed because my future kind of lies in the balance of how well I do so you know, lots of pressure and stuff. I don't really know if anyone is going to read this or if any kind of life form out there does stumble upon this what age bracket they will fall into, but maybe just maybe you may be able to relate.

Life is scary. I'm quite a melodramatic person, but it really is. We have been given a life and we have this weight on us, no matter how old we are, where we come from and the type of person we are, we do. This weight isn't physical but it sure feels it, this weight tells us that we must achieve or at least do something significant with our life so we're always striving for more which is great, it makes us better people of course. However, we should never feel like we're nothing just because of this. It doesn't matter if you're not the best, the prettiest, the wealthiest because all that matters is that you're happy. Don't destroy yourself because you feel you're not good enough. What I am saying is very typical and has already been said a million times, but you deserve to be happy.

I find it very hard to like myself, but no where near as much as I used to do. I used to really hate myself, infact I found it difficult to look in the mirror but you should tell yourself that as long as you're kind it doesn't matter about all them other things. Also surround yourself in people that make you happy. It took me a long time to realize who were my real friends and who wasn't because unfortunately there are people out there that will you use you for their own personal gain, but when you find those people that genuinely care about you, you will be happy.

Anywho, that wasn't even the point of this blog I've ranted of on one again. It's getting sunny and I'm a pale little 18 year old who burns whenever she's in the sun and today I was in work. I had been in the sun all the day the day before and a customer made a huge deal about how pale I was and how I need to catch a tan, so the moral of the story is I'm going to be pale, freckly and burnt all summer and people are going to laugh because I'm a ghost. I really don't know where this is going now. If you're revising for exams - good luck and all.

Also, please leave suggestions with topics for me to write about because as you can see I'm clearly struggling for ideas. Much love,

Sarah

Gig etiquette

Hello again you.

I'm going to watch arctic monkeys next Thursday * fan girls then dies * so I've decided to write a blog all about the wonderful aspects of a gig, you know the part where everyone decides to piss in a bottle and throw them around? Just kidding.  I was going to write about my truly awful time in Estonia which involved such wonderful things like me being dragged into a police van. Not even exaggerating there, I was genuinely dragged into a police van. I know what you're thinking " but you're like the most unlikely person to be dragged into a police van". But yes, that did happen. Not exactly my fault but hey ho. Anyway i'm getting of topic I will save that wondrous tale for another rainy day. This post is basically going to be some rules ( not really rules more like tips) for gigs thrown in with some more personal experiences! 

Get there on time

I was going to say arrive early to make sure you get a place but that's not always the case. You see it really all depends on the size of the place and the type of gig really. I went to watch Gaslight Anthem with my ex boyfriend in London and we planned to visit the sites in Central London and then make our way on the underground to the the gig but time keeping wasn't his strong point and I have no idea how to put this nicely haha oh dear * hides* but he lets just say he enjoyed doing stuff in public places, like really enjoyed it. * Dies of embarrassment * Anyway, because of that we ended up getting to the gig like 5 minutes before the gig was going to start and the line was ridiculously long. We couldn't even see the venue because we were that far around the corner. I've kind of back tracked from this story but basically we ended up right at the back of the gig which in hindsight was probably best but If you love the band then don't do that. It worked out fine for me because this was the kind of band that had truly dedicated hard core fans and I knew none of the lyrics. This hasn't really gone well but moral of the story DON'T TURN UP LATE UNLESS YOU'RE NOT MUCH OF A FAN :}} 

Don't piss off others trying to watch the gig 

I mention this because we all know there is that one group of idiots who are attempting to get to the front when they turned up a minute before it started or trying to start a bloody mosh pit. I was at a muse gig and about quarter way through the gig when Dizzie rascal ( I mean really they chose him to perform at a muse gig?!) and Bastille ( most boring generic band I've ever heard) had performed and every one was ready for muse to come on this woman decides she wants to be at the front now. So she begins shoving everybody out of the way muttering " excuse me coming through" to everyone in sight and everyone is just like " are you for real". Then everybody begins to throw there drinks over her. Never been more grateful that it wasn't me in my entire life. Moral of the story don't piss people off at gigs. I was also at a Johnny Marr gig with my best friend who is like the biggest Smiths fan ever and there is this group of idiots trying to start a mosh pit. Fair enough if this was a enter shikari gig make a mosh pit, throw me in there as well if you want but come trying to mosh to there is a light that never goes out is a no go. When there beer is being thrown all over everybody as well it's just annoying. So yeah try not to piss people off, I've seen so many arguments and all that jazz at gigs. 

Just don't piss in a bottle 

I completely get that gigs can be really long and when you're drinking and dancing for 3 hours it can get hard to hold in it but just go to the toilet or something. When I've been at a gig and needed a wee I've never had the thought process of " I really need a wee now, the toilets are over there but I think it would be a terrific idea to piss in this bottle right here and throw it over unsuspecting people". I mean come on just don't do it. 

This post isn't meant to be very serious so just ignore me if I've said something you don't agree with. Also, it's bloody Christmas soon yay. buh bye. xx

The joys of alcohol ( or not) ..

Hello again you!

So last night I went to a party which got me thinking a lot about alcohol in general, now I've always been the one that hasn't wanted to drink ( loser tendencies again oops!). That doesn't mean I haven't experienced the whole ' lets down all this vodka for no reason what so ever yay fun' stage in my life, because trust me I have and I can say with absolute certainty is wasn't even slightly fun. The first time I ever properly got drunk was when I was 14, It's fair to say at this age in my life I was getting every rebellious bone in my body out of my system and broadcasting it to the world. I have no idea why but in the space of that year I must have thought I was one of the cast members of skins; a spotty, naive, silly cast member at that. But any who, so I was 14 and me and two of my best friends thought it would be a great idea to create this amazing, drunk fueled day where we would embarrass ourselves wake up the next morning not remembering a thing and feel pretty damn cool. However, that's not quite how it happened. At the beginning of the day we all got money from our parents, proclaiming we had no clothes and needed to go shopping right away. What actually happened was we awkwardly stood outside a local shop asking anybody who looked like they had a relaxed enough attitude to buy us alcohol. Obviously at this age we knew barely anything about alcohol so we picked the strongest substance we could afford; vodka was our weapon of choice * ha ha*. We then drank the vodka in various amounts throughout the day; I remember being sat on a bus, not properly being able to see each other swigging vodka from a energy drink bottle and finding the experience so ridiculously funny ( it's an incredibly classy image isn't it). I was 14 and naive!! At this stage in mine and my friends life, we decided to hang around with lads from 3 school years above us. We were basically losers and I guess having older friends gave us some silly feeling of self righteousness, when really we were all socially awkward and insecure little teenagers.

Later on in the evening we met up with around 5 of the older lads and a couple of other girls from our year in school, in which we all drank copious amounts of alcohol on a field in the middle of nowhere. If I remember correctly there was a extremely drunk lad there who was hitting me with a huge stick he found all night; he also bloody rugby tackled me at one point( I have no idea what he was on). To make a long story short, our parents were ringing us all night,which we evidently ignored. They then found us in a field with mud all of other us being barely able to walk and took us home. The next couple of hours then involved me violently vomiting, crying and proclaiming that It wasn't my fault.

As I got older and realized who I was I began to realize just how stupid drinking alcohol is( well in my opinion anyway!). The only reason I drank in the first place was because, I was so insecure, I had no idea who I was and the thought of being myself was a scary thing. Especially in high school, I mean come on I may as well had been in a battle royale type scenario every day of the week. Teenagers are mean, like really mean and if you dared to be different you may as well have " taunt me" tattooed on your forehead. So basically, I only ever drank because I didn't know myself well enough to not give in to peer pressure. Which I find so ironic now as only 3 years later I feel that I never really give in to peer pressure; I don't enjoy drinking alcohol so I'm not going to do it, I feel horribly guilty eating animals so I'm a vegetarian.

Reasons why I don't want to drink alcohol( My opinions please don't kill me!!) :

- It's damaging to your body: I understand that you can drink alcohol sensibly but lets be honest if you compared what most people drink, especially teenagers to the drinking guidelines it is quite ridiculous. You're paying money to shorten your life span and make you feel shitty the next morning. Just drink a fruit shoot or something * ha ha yum*. You can still go to a party without having to drink alcohol and if you can't then you must not have a personality if you require alcohol to have a conversation or be even mildly entertaining.

-   People change when they're drunk: I don't really enjoy being around people when they're drunk as they change and not for the better either! Most parties I have been to someone has kicked off or made a rude comment and it's like " shut up jesus christ".

- Maybe I've just a really neurotic, awkward person but I don't really enjoy party situations, I've tried to I really have but all i'm thinking whilst I'm there is " I can't wait to get home". I personally enjoy more one of one situations because at parties everyone is trying to be the center of attention and I don't know I've just never really enjoyed, I would much rather be at home watching a awesome 90's film.

I should probably stop ranting now. I don't have a problem with anyone else drinking but sometimes the fact I don't like this sort of stuff annoys me. I mean I really should like these sorts of things, when I got to university I'm just going to make it harder for me to make new friends. I will be the one that doesn't drink but hey ho. I'm just curious as to why people drink so often, I do get it in a sense it's an escape but surely that can't just be it???

:)

AVOIRRRRRRRRR xxx

The rest of your life ( also my first blog ever)!!

Well hello there fellow internet bloggers! ( or random passers by who have some how stumbled upon this). So, In the mist of another one of my procrastination routines, which begins with me being extremely motivated to do important tasks such as writing my personal statement that will potentially dictate the rest of my life, I've decided to create a blog!! Now, I know what you're thinking ' who on earth is this idiot?', which to give credit where it is due, you are right about - but but but give me a chance you lovely people! Any who, I am not in any sense of the word an author or anything even remotely along those lines, i'm just a 17 year old loser sat in her bedroom sharing her thoughts with the world. Why? Well it's possibly just a phase I'm going through, like that twitter phase I went through last September in attempt to make friends in college. But, I think an even better explanation is that I have too much of these ramblings in my head and I feel like If I don't do something with them, my brain will explode. So here I am spilling my heart out ( not literally * ha ha*) to most probably nobody; I've just made this blog and well lets be honest why would anyone read this crap anyway. 

This blog is going to be about the situation I am currently going through, which is the dreaded transition from college to university * dun dun dun *. I have always been extremely excited to go to university ever since I could possibly remember. I remember being at the tender age of 11, sat there reading various books envisioning myself as this strong independent woman, learning and developing. I've always loved learning and when I was younger I didn't have much friends but I never cared because good grades were much more important than friends right? RIGHT?! I'm not nearly as bad as that now, I love my friends! Even nearly as much as books * ha* just kidding, I do love them copious amounts. 

But now the time has arrived where I am applying to university all I want to do is slow down time. It's quite ironic because all I ever wanted to do growing up was grow up faster and now I just want it to stop so I can take it all in. Of course I am excited but It is also so sudden and the pressure is slowly staring to take every little bit of my energy. The thing with me is I love learning, I really do love learning but I've very excitable so for a couple of months I will be set on the idea that I want to do one thing for the rest of my life. I will love and admire the idea of that and I will work damn hard to achieve the grades for it but then I will have a change of heart and find this new amazing thing I want to do for the rest of my life.  I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't want to choose a course to do at university, get there and completely change my mind. That definitely wouldn't be a good thing to do. There is always the option of a gap year which honestly I do love the idea of ( see look I'm at it again!) but I've researched gap year options and well to but if bluntly i'm can't bloody afford them! I wouldn't say I'm poor, I'm extremely grateful for everything my mum has given me, but we do not have a lot of disposal income and gap year opportunities such as going to Africa to volunteer cost around £2000- £3000. I just know that if I was to go down the gap year route I would end up sat in my house watching Pokemon and eating snack a jacks. 

Please feel free to leave your experience and knowledge of this stuff, it would help a lot! Also, follow my blog please and I will love you forever!! :) :)